At this time of year we as a culture have arbitrarily decided that our trip around the sun has reached the end and will begin again after a brief interval. Never mind that circles (well, ellipses really) don’t so much have endings and beginnings or that the southern hemisphere is smack dab in the middle of it’s growing season. This is The End, dammit, and we better damn well stop and take stock of the past year before we go hurtling out of control into 2009.
OK, I will. A lot has happened over the last 365 days, and if I hadn’t learned anything, that would have meant I was paying no attention whatsoever. But you know, I really have been. So here’s my list of things I have learned in 2008:
You can’t trust Hugh Downs.
I know, he’s like your grampa. He’s affable to the point of absurdity. He was once a respected television journalist. Thing is, those health secrets he’s letting you in on? I know you’ll be shocked, but they’re not particularly secret. Also not always based on scientific evidence, unless “guessing” now meets the standard for medical research.
Don’t put your gold in the mail.
It makes so much sense. You put your old jewelry in an envelope, send it by US Mail to some people you never heard of, and they will send you a check for whatever price they think is fair. Sad to say, what seems like a brilliant way to pick up some extra bones may not be foolproof after all. I have anecdotal evidence that a wedding ring will net you about three bucks. On the bright side, some plastic crap spray-painted gold is worth a cool one dollar.
Do Not Want.
It’s not “testicular fortitude” to refuse to step down when you get caught on tape selling off senate seats. More like “cranial ramollissement“. Please, Elvis, leave the building. Your hair has ceased to amuse.
Happy New Year!!!
That’s it. that’s all I know. Oh sure, Obama, Palin, Bush, war, economy, etc. But eh, who paid attention to any of that stuff?